THE EMOTIONAL BULLY

I have realized something about my Nafs. It likes to be an emotional bully. Whenever it isn’t getting what it wants, it thinks that if I scream and yell, and throw fits, cry, look hysterical, and what-not, it will get what it wants.

My mother has reinforced this pattern all of my life, and still tries to. 2 years ago, after my Break, I realized I have had a seriously co-dependant relationship with her (she was my enabler for my disfunctional emotional states) for all of my life.

Right before my Break, the empathy-rich pity party didn’t happen as my Nafs’expected reward for its continual bouts of screaming, yelling, & hysterical crying. I wasn’t getting what I wanted and was accustomed to receiving in response to the emotional turmoil I was creating. My Nafs were in overdrive. They drove me right into a Psychotic Break, wherein I lost touch with Reality, couldn’t stop screaming, and threatened to commit suicide by pouring Coleman fuel over myself, then lighting it.

I am observing similar attempts from my Nafs now. I cannot allow it to think that I am in control of my life situation. I must remember that Allah is the ultimate judge and holds the last say.

Reading Qu’ran and remembering it’s verses is so extremely helpful to get me through this tough time in my life. Alhumdulillah, Praise God for the blessings of the revealations in the Qu’ran.

I see a pattern to myself; I base my ruminations on reality, but the Truth gets distorted through The Lens and the conclusions and subsequent actions I partake in are Delusional. I have a real problem with Pride; An inflated sense of Entitlement, (I am sooo arrogant!), Justification based on The Truth, Fairness, etc.

I thought that I couldn’t possibly live through my Senior Year of High School; I thought that my life would be literally intolerable & that I couldn’t possibly be even a mediocre Mother if I didn’t move to Ohio and live in the (extremely disfunctional) folds of my extended family (in 2003)…

Now, My Nafs want me to think that living in this compound is an unjustafiably dangerous environment for my children, and a severe hardship for me and my family to live in. We are American for goodness sakes! My employer couldn’t possibly expect us to continue to live under these conditions, to live in this slum! Don’t they want to protect their “investment” (me)?

Don’t they know that I am not working here for the money, that we actually took over a 50% pay cut to come work here? We are here for Allah, we made Hijrah, and to get out of America, to not pay taxes to King George’s War (which fund pre-emptive bloody wars in places like Iraq and Afghanistan). We are not making 5x the salary we could make back in our home country; we are not making 2 or 3x the salary we could make back in our home country; we are not even making 100% of the salary we did make back in our home country!

O contraire, we are making BELOW 50% of the salary we WERE MAKING in the States! Don’t they know that having a nice house here is one of the only cards they have to play with me as their employee? Don’t they care?

They promised me a furnished villa in a compound with certain amenities; a playground, a swimming pool, a clubhouse, a tennis court. Well, aside from all of the things malfunctioning inside this villa (electrical outlets are included! Dangerous! ), the pool is breaking and unsafe; the playground is so unsafe I cannot ethically allow my children to play there; and the clubhouse has been closed by management for an indefinite amount of time. I do not now live in a villa with these amenities. Thus, it looks like my employer is not living up to what they promised me, to what lured me to come for this job. They are breaking their promise. I want to call them names. At my worst emotional moments now, it seems like it would feel so good to hate them, and to quit the job over this issue.

Then, my Nafs want to say,

“Good luck finding someone to replace me! That would be like finding a needle in a haystack! I know for a fact that I am a rare find. Hiring a Muslim with my particular credentials in the field in which I specialize is not an easy task (sorry but I don’t want to reveal too much identifying information here). I know this, because we have been searching for more people for the department with my same profile and they simply don’t exist. The few who do are land-locked, they all come from a country whose passport is not allowed to enter and/or work inside of this country”.

After reading over what I have just written, I see quite a bit of; Entitlement, Pride, & Arrogance. Any other insights would be most appreciated.
-EA12stepper