Step Four

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

Why is this step so monumentally difficult? I know I just have to bite the bullet and jump right in and do it.

As we say in EA, it works if you work it.

The Disease of Selfishness

Pondering the hypothesis that depression is the disease of selfishness. The cure is to be selfless, in a constructive, spiritual sense, not in a negative way of course.

Dear God, please help me to fight this disease and to be as self-less as possible, helping others when they need it.

Hmmmm, I think the prayer of St. Francis is in order;

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master,grant that I may not so much seekto be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

ok again

I'm ok, suddenly, again.

Spouse and I discussed how we can both express our feelings to each other, but not cut each other down in the midst of our anger. It was a good talk. It's ok to feel angry etc but not ok to say awful things in our anger just to hurt someone, to "get them back".

Now I am just trying to deal with the politics at my work. I wish people would just shut up and help the children. There is so much back stabbing. Find a happy place, find a happy place......
Hello, are we like in the third grade or are we adults teaching in a school? Thank God for the few really dynamite good folks at that place. Without them, it would be so bad.

Looking at myself I see that I am pretty much growing to resent everything around me and feel like a victim...you know what that means....

TIME FOR STEP 4!!!!

"Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself".

discouraged

I am really discouraged. I need outside support. Who can that be? Friends shouldn't hear this crap. I dont' want to speak badly about my spouse to friends. How awkward, how rude. Therapists are sunshine enemas. Who is left?

My one support person now resents me and thinks of me as my illness, not as me. I am a monster. I am a thing that must be fought off. No respect for me anymore. Belittles me in front of others. I can't make even the slightest error without getting severely reprimanded and belittled. I was told that I am "getting worse" and "not getting better" when I showed annoyance because someone moved my cd case from the place I had left it, and then another time when I politely called the driver who was supposed to pick me up for work and asked him to come back, (he forgot me).

There are certain things, inappropriate, uncalled for things, counterproductive, uncaring things, that are said out of spite and anger, that you just can't forget someone has said to you/about you. Like (repeatedly) saying ..."if it weren't for the kids I'd be divorcing you..." (because you are depressed); or how about being called crazy, in front of my kids, in front of other adults, when I am acutally doing quite well and not having terrible behavior. I am a human being. I am not perfect. I can't take much more of this punitive treatment. I need support, things that reinforce me when I am doing well, not punishment and hurt when I make a small, miniscule, hairsplitting mistake.

Thanks for the unconditional love. Not.

Only God is perfect.

This treatment is;

Demeaning.

Dehumanizing.

Not respectful of me.

Not giving me the dignity I deserve.

Personification of my Nafs

There is this horrible man at my job, who just so happens to have all of the power over all of the “worldly” parts of my life!!!

He is in charge of;

Getting me (and all employees) all supplies needed at work. Always halfway accomplished by him. Always really late.

Getting broken things fixed at work. Always done halfway, jerryrigged etc.

He’s the biggest saboteur in the universe.
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This jerk is also in charge of bringing me (and all employees at my job) to this country (airplane tickets, scheduling, etc.). The “travel agent” he uses is the biggest gangster I’ve ever met. Actually, everyone he does business with from outside our workplace are all pretty gangster-ish. Yikes.

When I accepted this job, I waited for at least 2 months for him to send me my airplane tickets and get me here. My new employee coming this week has waited for 3! Poor chap, he and his wife quit their jobs, shipped all of their personal posessions here (which have already arrived, way before them!), and have been living with their parents, just waiting for the freaking tickets to come so they can get here!

All of this, because Mr. Gangster apparently gets cheap thrills from watching others suffer. This snake is the most evil, conniving pawn of Satan I have seen in my life. Really, he has to be short-changing people intentionally.

Problems like these don’t happen this often randomly. It’s statistically impossible. So, what kind of a human being consistently gives others the short end of the stick intentionally? I’ll tell you….an evil, awful, despicable person, that’s who.

Oh, but it gets even more terrible, especially when you consider another aspect of the situation I haven’t touched on yet; this guy is shafting children who are handicapped. He is not getting them the necessary wheelchairs they need to be sitting comfortably, orthopaedically, etc. I mean, it’s not just a matter of oh, the kids aren’t happy, they are picky or something. These are kids with severe handicapps; cerebral palsy, degenerative brain disorders, etc. For instance, one girl has her legs just dangling off the edge of her wheelchair; her back is therefore carrying all of the stress of the weight of her body pulling/pushing on it. By not getting these kids the correct wheelchairs, he is effectively torturing innocent kids!

How many cirlces of hell are there? He will definitely be in the lowest circle of Hell.

I am pretty sure this clown is embezzeling money. It’s the only thing that makes sense that could explain the company and it’s employees’ situation. So many things just can’t be missing, broken, or half-assed, under “natural conditions”.

It’s a trickle-down flow of cash, so as long as the rich guy above him that runs the show (funds our place of work) isn’t hurt, this bozo isn’t accountable to anyone; he can do whatever he wants to the rest of us; we are beneath him. There’s no system of checks-and-balances here in this country. Dorothy is definitely not in Kansas anymore.


The gangster is also in charge of getting me (and all employees) suitable housing, and helping when something goes wrong with the housing situation. Basically we're SOL.

He also was the one who “helped us” when we were new to the country; he “helped us” rent this terribly nasty car that was falling apart (front bumper to be precise), was full of cigarette butts/smoke/smell/and ashes. He also actually allowed one of his “guys” to drive around for 2 whole days, knowing that it was rented for me and that I would have to pay for the damn thing, before he handed it over to us (with no gas in it of course, he ran it all the way down to empty). We found this out after we were finished with the car (we had it for 2 months) and went to turn it in and pay. We knew the first day the driver from my place of work had delivered it to us; we knew the starting date, right? Wrong! Come to pay the bill and the first day of rental was Thursday, not Saturday! The snake-in-the-grass’s driver had played in our rental car, on our pocket, for 2 whole days! Yee-gods!

He is a gigantic obstacle in the way of success for our place of work.

So, what does this all mean?

I keep asking myself, there has got to be some lesson here. God doesn’t put such an outstandingly difficult person/situation in my life for no reason. There is a reason I am seeing this. There is a reason this is happening to me.

I figured it out. This guy is the personification of my Nafs. My Nafs, just like this gangster, is up to no good. The Nafs want to control all aspects of my life. They want to have power, Absolute Power.

Just like this gangster at work, they like having power, and if the Nafs have power without a system of checks-and-balances (connection with God, Tasawuuf, prayer, Presence, etc.) in place, they will abuse this power, and make everything and everyone within their power suffer, just for fun! Just for their trifling gain! Suffer, just so I can watch you writhe! (ie my First, my Nafs effect my Psyche, all of my thoughts; all of my thoughts in turn effect all of my emotions; my emotions are effecting my actions and my body/somatic system; my actions effect all of my relationships with other people, my performance at work, etc.).