THE EMOTIONAL BULLY

I have realized something about my Nafs. It likes to be an emotional bully. Whenever it isn’t getting what it wants, it thinks that if I scream and yell, and throw fits, cry, look hysterical, and what-not, it will get what it wants.

My mother has reinforced this pattern all of my life, and still tries to. 2 years ago, after my Break, I realized I have had a seriously co-dependant relationship with her (she was my enabler for my disfunctional emotional states) for all of my life.

Right before my Break, the empathy-rich pity party didn’t happen as my Nafs’expected reward for its continual bouts of screaming, yelling, & hysterical crying. I wasn’t getting what I wanted and was accustomed to receiving in response to the emotional turmoil I was creating. My Nafs were in overdrive. They drove me right into a Psychotic Break, wherein I lost touch with Reality, couldn’t stop screaming, and threatened to commit suicide by pouring Coleman fuel over myself, then lighting it.

I am observing similar attempts from my Nafs now. I cannot allow it to think that I am in control of my life situation. I must remember that Allah is the ultimate judge and holds the last say.

Reading Qu’ran and remembering it’s verses is so extremely helpful to get me through this tough time in my life. Alhumdulillah, Praise God for the blessings of the revealations in the Qu’ran.

I see a pattern to myself; I base my ruminations on reality, but the Truth gets distorted through The Lens and the conclusions and subsequent actions I partake in are Delusional. I have a real problem with Pride; An inflated sense of Entitlement, (I am sooo arrogant!), Justification based on The Truth, Fairness, etc.

I thought that I couldn’t possibly live through my Senior Year of High School; I thought that my life would be literally intolerable & that I couldn’t possibly be even a mediocre Mother if I didn’t move to Ohio and live in the (extremely disfunctional) folds of my extended family (in 2003)…

Now, My Nafs want me to think that living in this compound is an unjustafiably dangerous environment for my children, and a severe hardship for me and my family to live in. We are American for goodness sakes! My employer couldn’t possibly expect us to continue to live under these conditions, to live in this slum! Don’t they want to protect their “investment” (me)?

Don’t they know that I am not working here for the money, that we actually took over a 50% pay cut to come work here? We are here for Allah, we made Hijrah, and to get out of America, to not pay taxes to King George’s War (which fund pre-emptive bloody wars in places like Iraq and Afghanistan). We are not making 5x the salary we could make back in our home country; we are not making 2 or 3x the salary we could make back in our home country; we are not even making 100% of the salary we did make back in our home country!

O contraire, we are making BELOW 50% of the salary we WERE MAKING in the States! Don’t they know that having a nice house here is one of the only cards they have to play with me as their employee? Don’t they care?

They promised me a furnished villa in a compound with certain amenities; a playground, a swimming pool, a clubhouse, a tennis court. Well, aside from all of the things malfunctioning inside this villa (electrical outlets are included! Dangerous! ), the pool is breaking and unsafe; the playground is so unsafe I cannot ethically allow my children to play there; and the clubhouse has been closed by management for an indefinite amount of time. I do not now live in a villa with these amenities. Thus, it looks like my employer is not living up to what they promised me, to what lured me to come for this job. They are breaking their promise. I want to call them names. At my worst emotional moments now, it seems like it would feel so good to hate them, and to quit the job over this issue.

Then, my Nafs want to say,

“Good luck finding someone to replace me! That would be like finding a needle in a haystack! I know for a fact that I am a rare find. Hiring a Muslim with my particular credentials in the field in which I specialize is not an easy task (sorry but I don’t want to reveal too much identifying information here). I know this, because we have been searching for more people for the department with my same profile and they simply don’t exist. The few who do are land-locked, they all come from a country whose passport is not allowed to enter and/or work inside of this country”.

After reading over what I have just written, I see quite a bit of; Entitlement, Pride, & Arrogance. Any other insights would be most appreciated.
-EA12stepper

The illusion of control

My ego (nafs in Sufi terminology) really loves to think it has full control. A real sense of entitlement; the original sin of humanity, pride.

Right now I'm dealing with problems with my house. A lot of dangers in the compound I live in. Mostly has to do with electricity, pretty dangerous stuff. It's not a matter of not liking the furniture, or that my toilet seats are all falling off. There are lights every few meters out in the compound environment which are jerry-rigged and dangerous. It's not safe to halfass fix electrical items!

I think I am in control, making my arguments to my employer, who is ultimately the one who can vouchsafe a different housing arrangement for me. But really, it's God who has the last say, who is in control. I have to remember that. The Qu'ran tells us that all good things and bad things in our lives come from God; we are given these blessings, and hardships, to test our Faith. ...and the ultimate paradise is in the afterlife. Worldly enjoyments are transient and will fade, but with God is our ultimate paradise. I have to keep sight of this. It's so easy to want the material luxuries.

Step 3

I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.

Step 2

I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

POME=POWERLESS OVER MY EMOTIONS

EMOTIONS ANONYMOUS

STEP ONE

I admit that I am powerless over my emotions — that my life has become unmanageable.

I’m starting this web diary to help myself focus.

With depression, especially the way mine manifests, it’s not always clear how I really feel or what I really think.

I tend to have a bad habit of morphing myself with the opinion of others and/or the dominant culture and values that are around me, and suppressing my true beliefs so well that I don’t even realize I am behaving in a way that is contrary to how I actually believe!

Eventually, usually in a disfunctional way, my real beliefs come thorugh subconsciously. I end up appearing pretty darn fragmented and scattered; in worst cases, I look like a liar, and/or extremely labile.

So, God-willing, by writing here I hope to get more in touch with my Essential Self. In Sufism, we talk about how when we are disconnected from our higher power we become fragmented, and when we are connected to our higher power, we are emancipated from this fragmentation and are integrated into our Essential Self. This is being Human at it’s best, and God-willing I will be doing this.

Some entries, I am just going to vent. Feel free to just skip over those entries, as they will basically just be bitch sessions.

I find it's better for me to write out negative emotions, than to carry them out verbally. A lot less conflict happens this way, and I usually end up being able to sort through my psychological noise and find the meat of what I really need to communicate.

Effective communication is so difficult to accomplish when one is depressed. Negative emotions keep getting in the way. It's so frustrating to me, because the result is that no communication happens. The person I am trying to communicate with gets bombarded by my emotional outburst (anger, attempts at manipulation, etc) and therefore is unable to even hear what I am trying to discuss.

So, I find it's much more effective to write while I am emotionally charged, and then sort through things to figure out what I want to communicate, then give just that to the person, in writing, so my emotions don't get in the way.

Oh, BTW, I am really good at understanding and articulating general concepts, and horrible at the details. Please forgive me ahead of time for this flaw!

More soon to come…..